The bill’s raison d’être is an incident involving an Edmonton Oilers party and a hefty $17,000 restaurant bill that resulted. The hockey players were purportedly outraged at the 18% gratuity added to the bill, even though there were 50 of them and the bar tab alone was over $8,000.

Predictably, the brouhaha over this bill has started a heated debate on the Toronto Life website with people demonizing servers as lazy, ungrateful slackers making too much money off of an easy job and others defending the auto-grat as a necessary option for wait-staff to help them make end’s meet.

The former are wrong. Caplan’s wrong too.

Restaurants, like any other establishment, have policies. These policies should be clearly communicated to any potential guest, whether verbally or by being posted in a conspicuous location. If a guest doesn’t like the policy, they can leave and take their business elsewhere. If the policy is unfair and business sucks enough, a restaurant will usually change it in favor of a more profitable compromise.

Caplan says he doesn’t like it when the inclusion of an auto-grat is not mentioned to the guests. Leaving aside the fact that people should read their fucking bills carefully (mistakes happen), why not just enforce a rule requiring restaurants to ensure guests know what’s being added to their bills? This can be put on the website, on the menu and even be explained by the server. Banning seems like an overreaction.

In my industry, I’ve served many large tables where the only thing ensuring I got any tip from them was the auto-grat. Whether through cheapness or naiveté (I’m looking at you, tourists!) many guests are only too happy to pay exactly what they owe. Sometimes, when one guest is paying, they feel threatened enough by the large bill that they undertip and the same thing can happen with split cheques.

Large parties take up more time with multiple requests and they require more tables, losing the chance for that space to be utilized that night for other guests. Often enough, another server needs to assist requiring a further split of the gratuity. When I work all night on one table and walk out of there with a measly 10%, I feel like I wasted my time and I’m not the only one in the service industry who feels that way.

Maybe some servers feel that having automatic gratuity enables them to “phone it in” but most of the career professionals I’ve met would be insulted to be lumped in with those amateurs. Doing your best to make someone’s night special only to be fucked over because they’re cheap is a special kind of pain.

Servers in Ontario make $8.90 per hour. An eight-hour shift is worth $71.20. If they serve twenty-two tables that night and every table tips them 15% (let’s assume each bill was about $70 with a couple of big boys weighing in at around the $400 mark) they stand to make $330 which brings their daily wage up to a respectable $401.20. (A person making $23 per hour only makes $184 per day.)

But not everyone tips that way. Assume the service was perfectly acceptable. Of those two parties, one leaves 10% and one leaves nothing at all. This takes $80 off of the server’s final take. They still put as much time with each table as they did when they were receiving 15% but they’re getting much less and they still have to tip out the bartender, bussers and maybe even the management (the completely unfair and illegal “house tip”) on their final sales. They’re getting fucked over.

Most times, the support staff is paid anywhere from 2-10% of the server’s final sales. Looking back up at the example above, we can see that the total sales for the night are $2,200 for our server which means they’re shelling out $44 whether they take home $330 or $250. If they have a really bad night, they could be walking out of the restaurant with $120. Now they’re about par with the fella who earns $23 per hour and he can sleep easy at night knowing he’s going to earn the same wage each and everyday. Meanwhile, the poor server is living out his own hellish version of a Pulp song.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Let’s go back to that situation with the Oilers and Maurizio Terrigno, the owner of this so-called upscale restaurant in Calgary which will clearly show how this fuss over gratuities can be resolved by communication of the restaurant’s policies with guests.

Oilers spokesman Allan Watt claims that the party disputed the bill, there was apparently some miscommunication with regards to the prices of alcohol, they paid a reduced bill with the proper gratuity and left. Up until this point it sounds like how most disagreements over a bill are usually handled.

Terrigno wasn’t satisfied with that. He proceeded to call up every media outlet he could find to complain about his restaurant’s treatment at the hand’s of these hooligans. The owner claims that the players tried to argue that they should pay by the bottle instead of paying for individual shots and didn’t want to pay for an expensive bottle of brandy after one of the players took a swig out of it. He goes on to say that they threatened his staff and that the most upsetting thing for him about this whole affair was that his staff wouldn’t be getting a gratuity. He also says that they refused to pay until he threatened to call the police.

I’ve met my fair share of asshole owners and Terrigno sounds like he’d fit in really well with that lot. The players may very well have gotten out of hand but they’re not the ones still disputing the bill. Short of talking to the staff (and I’m surprised no one from the media ever did) we’ll never know who was the bigger jerk.

So the answer clearly lies in better communication between the guests and the establishment. Is this really worth legislating? Unless Caplan’s going to amend the bill to protect the poor service staff who are caught in the middle, I’m going to say no. Anyone who gets upset about automatic gratuities for inadequate service already has all the means at their disposal to make it right.

Coincidentally, what is proper tipping etiquette? 15% of the final bill (minus the HST) is the norm with 20% being reserved for good service. You can tip $1-2 for most drinks unless they’re really elaborate and you’re running a tab in which case the above rules apply.

If you’re not clear on what the practice of the restaurant is with regards to tipping, ask. Don’t leave your tip with anyone you don’t want to have it. If you’re at a really fancy place, I would give separate tips to both the server and the bartender (particularly if the latter is of some note). If you get really bad service, talk to the manager and they’ll work something out. Maybe the shitty server will get canned too.

Details are scarce but I can tell you a few things. Emma Brown and Scott Rondeau (co-founder of the Toronto Festival of Beer) of Power Juncture, a Toronto-based events company are behind this one and with 2010 being its second year, hopefully they have some of the kinks worked out.

There’s going to be loads of food and booze. With around 40-50 vendors serving up all manner of alcoholic beverages and food to pair ‘em worth, you’re going to need to make a pit-stop at Cherry Beach just to give yourself time to digest! Notable attendees include Beau’s All-Natural Brewing Company, Innis & Gunn, Kado Enterprise (sake), Victoria Gin, and Mill Street (naturally).

It’s low-key. With less people and a bit of a more mature atmosphere expect less drunken debauchery and line-ups.

The whole thing’s outdoors. It looks like the shitty weather we’ve been experiencing is on its way out and I can’t imagine a better way of spending a Saturday afternoon. Overall, I think the Distillery District is a decent place to hang out.

It’s a pretty good deal. $22 gets you in and with your admission comes 5 vouchers good for whatever food and drink you might want. Additional vouchers cost a buck.

The festival is running Thursday and Friday, from 6 to 11pm. Saturday, its open from 12 to 5pm and it’s back to the regular evening schedule for Sunday.

If you’re going to buy tickets at the event, they’ll run you $30 so buy them online or you can pick  up two for $22 through Groupon but act fast ‘cos that deal’s done in eight hours.

To get there, take the Parliament St. bus south until you reach Mill St.

I’ll be out there on Saturday so if you see me, say hi!

While I may not dislike it as much as some folks, I was still quite pleased to receive an email from Curt Dunlop and Jed Corbeil, the duo behind the Griffin Gastropub and the Muskoka Beer Festival, informing me of their plans to hold a craft beer festival in Toronto.

The idea is incredibly exciting… local beers and food should attract a crowd of like-minded enthusiasts and the opportunity to sample some new brews (Tree Brewing from Kelowna, BC is sending their Hophead IPA!) is not to be missed. With 21 breweries attending at last count and each of them bringing 1 to 5 types of beer, it’s going to be a very busy day!

Corbeil and I made arrangements to meet at C’est What? which was appropriate considering the pub is basically a temple to local craft beer. It was quickly apparent that he’s the kind of guy who loves what he does. His passion for beer is definitely there and he knows his stuff but he’s no snob either. Noticing he was well into his pint of Black Oak’s 10 Bitter Years (my favorite of the moment) I ordered myself one as well and we got settled in to talk about Session, the Griffin Gastropub and Ontario Craft Brewers.

Corbeil was raised in Bracebridge (he calls it Molson territory) but eventually moved to Toronto where he studied music at the University of Toronto.  He later ended up in Japan where he found he really enjoyed their custom of going out with coworkers three or four nights a week to a succession of bars and restaurants. As he explains, “Everyone goes out because you can’t entertain at home; there’s no room.”

Things started to gel after a trip to Germany where his brother (now a brewer with Mill Street) introduced him to some excellent beers and a stint in Honduras where he learned how to run a small business. After coming back to Bracebridge with his wife to raise a family, Corbeil ended up buying a local pub with Curt Dunlop which became the Griffin Gastropub.

After switching from the macro-brews to Ontario craft beer they lost a chunk of their regulars but found they more than made up for it with new guests and some old-timers who came to appreciate the new brews. While deciding which beers to carry took a lot of thought, it was also a lot of fun.

“We consulted with my brother, Sam Corbeil, about some of the staples he liked in the Ontario craft market. We did a huge beer-shop at the LCBO at Queen’s Quay and spent the next couple of months drinking. It came down a lot to how readily available the beer was to the north as well as which breweries were ready to jump on-board with converting the locals. We had great help from some of the breweries, which are very much showcased at the bar, but we try our best to be as drinker-friendly as possible with our choice of styles. We like to have a wide variety of product but limit our styles to only a few brands… 2 or 3 blondes for example.”

With 10 taps and over 30 bottles, they were able to keep the beer nerds satisfied while offering comparable (and superior) brands to those might never have thought to have tried them before. Their selection even resulted in change at the local LCBO with the number of OCB products being offered jumped from 3 to 20.

Summing up his feelings about the advantage of craft beer, Corbeil says it’s all about “now versus whenever.” The idea of seasonal offerings ties into the growing emphasis on living both locally and seasonally and I don’t think that’s a bad thing for consumers to grow accustomed to.

Not content to simply run a pub, Corbeil and his partner began hosting beer dinners the last Sunday of every month featuring a different brewery or region every month. March was all about Quebec, April was the east coast and May went west. For all of June, they’re featuring Beau’s (one of my favorite breweries, you can find their Lugtread Lagered Ale [169334, 4x600 mL, $15.60] at most LCBOs ).

With the support they’d garnished so far, it only made sense to start a beer festival. Now in it’s second year, the Muskoka Beer Festival has proven to be a hit and they have approached the OCB about doing it seasonally around the province. ”Our goal is to have a festival for each season in a different city,” proclaims Corbeil.

With this kind of expansion come new challenges but he is up for it. “Greg Causeway [of the Toronto Festival of Beer] has been a great help with offering suggestions on what to do and what to avoid.” When asked to compare the two festivals, Corbeil had this to say:

“The TFOB to Session is like Microsoft to Apple. Microsoft is a very large company, very easily-accessible and user-friendly.  It has made a huge mark in its field and will continue to do so for years to come.

Apple is directed more to a specific target audience, with a more artistic approach in mind. Although it is also has the ability to be user-friendly, it also requires a great amount of time and dedication to master and truly enjoy what it has to offer.

I feel that Session will target those ready  to experience the creative significance of real craft beer. It will be a day for people to celebrate those craft brewers and the time and dedication they have put forth to get the attention of those who are willing to embrace it.”

Food is definitely going to play a big part. Duggan’s Brewery, the Leslieville Cheese Market and Rodney’s Oyster House amongst others will be serving up tapas-style plates that will undoubtedly pair with many of the brews served alongside. Corbeil promises there won’t be any “doubling-up” with types of food and that will come from the GTA.

When asked whether there are any new beers attendees should be particularly excited about he says people should look out for Muskoka’s cask-conditioned IPA, Tree’s Hophead and Great Lakes Miami Vice. When it comes to OCB beers in general, he really enjoys Black Oak’s 10 Bitter Years, Mill Street’s seasonals and Garrison’s Imperial IPA and Hop Yard Ale. “I think people are going to be blown away by some of Muskoka’s upcoming seasonals.”

With a winning combination of OCB beer and local food, it’s safe to say that Session will definitely please enthusiasts and maybe even convert some with more mainstream tastes. Corbeil, Dunlop, the OCB and the others who are helping put this together have definitely raised the bar and if they pull this off, I can only hope that others will follow their lead.

—

The festival is being held on June 26th, from 12 to 8pm. Admission will cost ya $35 and it’s being held at Sunnyside Pavilion which is located at 1755 Lakeshore Boulevard West, Toronto.

With that in mind, I thought I’d find out whens and wheres of buying booze in TO for the next week and share it with y’all.

LCBO

No stores will be open on Boxing Day but Dec. 27th will see most stores open from noon till 5pm. Monday to Thursday will also see regular hours of operation but on Thursday, New Years Eve, all stores will close at 6pm. You’re best off hitting up your local store and avoiding the downtown core.

The Beer Store

They’re closed Boxing Day but all stores that normally open on Sundays will do so on Dec. 27th. Just be sure to get there before 5pm. Monday to Wednesday will also see regular hours of operation in effect but they will close on New Year’s Eve at 6pm so don’t leave the party-stocking till the last minute. Better yet, don’t shop at The Beer Store.

Mill St.

There were no holiday hours specified but the retail store is usually open from 11am till 9pm on Saturday. Sunday to Tuesday, it’s 11am till 6pm. Wednesday and Thursday, it’s open from 11am till 8pm. I’d phone ahead.

Steam Whistle

It’s business as usual except on Christmas Day and New Years Day. Boxing Day, they’ll be open from 11am till 6pm.  Sunday (the 27th) they close at 5pm and from Monday to Thursday (New Years Eve), they’re open from noon till 6pm.

Amsterdam

Their website says holiday hours are 11am till 9pm  so I’m going to assume they’ll be open Boxing Day, at least until 6pm. Monday through Thursday sees them at normal hours of operation which is 11am till 11pm. Call ahead just to be safe.

Wine Rack

Gotta love a store that stays open till 11pm! Despite the lack of decent selection beggars can’t be choosers and I’vewritten about some decent options before so if you’re stuck, hit one up and make do. They should be open from Boxing Day till New Year’s Eve and most of the downtown locations are open till 10pm or 11pm. Check before you head out though.

Vineyards Estate Wines

While there are no holiday hours posted anywhere, it’s a safe bet that if the Loblaws, Metro or Sobey’s they’re in is open, they will be too. They’re generally closed by 6pm.

I was quite surprised to read in The Globe and Mail that the Liberal government has hired two banks to look into selling the LCBO and other Crown assets to cover this year’s deficit.

After all, wasn’t this brought up before by Mike Harris et al. (and Ernie Eves before him?) and dismissed when the government realized that selling valuable assets to raise money may help cover their deficit now won’t do much for balancing the budget the next year?

But leaving aside whether it’s smart for the Liberals to divest themselves of one of their best and brightest cash cows, which is best for the citizens of Ontario; sale or no sale?

Judging from the comments on the G&M article, a lot of people are confused as to whether this would be a good thing and while I’m not an unabashed fan of the LCBO, I’m also not about to jump on the privatization bandwagon unless I’m sure that it would really benefit us.

So let’s look at the three of the biggest points being raised and see whether they have any merit or not.

Booze would be cheaper.

Really? That would be nice but most consumers don’t realize is that there In the US, each state has its own laws concerning the distribution and sale of alcohol. Some places are cheaper than others but I still have fond memories of brown-bagging tall-boys in NYC; I went to quite a few variety stores and prices ranged from $1.25 to$2.50 for a Coors Light which is not that radically different but you obviously pay more for the “convenience”. A case of mass-market, domestic beer that costs $36 in Ontario typically costs $22 in Quebec and about $18 in New Jersey.

The reason it’s generally cheaper down in the States has everything to do with taxes. Here in Canada, we pay a 26.5% tax on alcohol which includes a 5.75% liquor mark-up fee. In the US, the percentage of taxes applied to alcohol varies from state to state but they’re nowhere near as high.

I’d be the last person to suggest we get rid of the taxes that pay for our health care system (amongst other things) but I do think the mark-up is ridiculous. Still even if the LCBO were sold and the mark-up was removed, we wouldn’t be looking at the same price levels they have in the States; we would probably be a lot closer to Alberta or Quebec. (Strangely enough, spirits are cheaper in Alberta but wine and beer aren’t. Wine and beer are cheaper in Quebec thanks to provincial subsidies that favor local products.)

And there’s no guarantee the mark-up would disappear. If anything, it’s unlikely it would go anywhere since pricing is regulated by the government to ensure socially-responsible consumption of alcohol which, along with store hours, is one of the primary methods they employ to prevent us from degenerating into a bunch of booze-soaked rummies (so we’re told).

Worse yet, if the entire company was sold and allowed to continue as a monopoly except in private hands, we’d have yet another Beer Store on our hands and you only have to look at Hydro One and the telecom companies to see where that gets the consumer.

Looking at the graph above (snatched from the LCBO website) it’s clear that the LCBO controls too much of market to allow it operate as a second private monopoly, answerable to no one but its stockholders.

The selection would be greater.

Yes and no. While the opportunity for specialists to open shops catering to niche markets is greater, there’d be just as many people carrying the same mass-market swill we see everywhere. With the exception of the bigger stores, most LCBOs only stock what they know consumers in their area will be likely to buy. Most private operations wouldn’t be any different.

One big concern is that while the bigger cities in Ontario would probably have no worse selection than they do now, many smaller towns in outlying areas would see their stores close with no guarantee of any replacement.

The sale of alcohol needs to be controlled.

Deciding who buys booze and when they can buy it is an age-old concern. Some people say there’s no harm in having convenience stores sell beer and wine while others argue that public drunkenness and under-age drinking will become bigger problems.

I’ve always argued that kids should be exposed to alcohol sooner rather than later (presumably limiting all of that surreptitious, binge drinking) but as that’s generally an unpopular opinion to have, I’d also like to point out that those same stores seem to do a pretty good job of preventing kids from smoking too.

Fact is, people will do what they want to do and the best results have always come from education and integration, not prohibition. The laws we already have in place will take care of the egregious offenders; why persecute anyone else?

Despite my beefs with the LCBO, I’ve come to realize that the provincial government is responsible for nearly all of ‘em… the insane mark-up, lack of inter-provincial distribution (where the hell are my Quebec beers and my BC wines?) and inconvenient store hours.

Selling the LCBO doesn’t change any of that.

The powers that be will still regulate the fuck out of whomever’s selling us our booze and unless they decide private operators to cater to niche consumers, we’ll be looking at another monopoly. We don’t need another Beer Store.

What we do need is a reexamination of the liquor laws and regulations that have their background in Ontario’s Scottish-Protestant roots and adjusting them to fit a society that, over the past decade, has become a lot more conscious of when and how they drink, what they want to buy and where they buy it from.

(And a little store downtown selling me limited-release tequila, absinthe and bitters would be nice too.)

Currently making the rounds on Twitter is an article from The New York Times by Bruce Buschel, the main thrust of which is a list consisting of 100 dos and don’ts for restaurant staff. The response has been equally vitriolic and congratulatory, and it seems to be split fairly evenly between industry types and guests, respectively.

The former tend to take issue with Buschel for not understanding how much shit they put up with while the latter seem more than happy to share their dining-out horror stories. To be sure, there are plenty of commentators who occupy the middle ground on a sliding scale and I would lump myself in with them but I think the heated response to this article points to the frustration both sides feel towards each other which is just as much about a lack of respect and understanding as it is about different standards of service.

While I’m all about taking Buschel to task for his “modest” list (not to mention his lack of experience in the industry) he does raise some good points. Rules are good but what’s often missing from a strict interpretation of said guidelines is giving the server the necessary leeway to tweak them as befits each situation.

With that in mind, I’m going to go through Buschel’s list, point by point, and offer my take. (I’m also going to do my best to refrain from incriminating myself re: my current place of employment but I might slip up from time to time. Anyone who’s ever worked in a restaurant knows the difference between not giving a shit and mindlessly following the company line; sometimes you gotta work with what you have.)

1. Do not let anyone enter the restaurant without a warm greeting.

Anyone walking into a new place can feel a bit out-of-place and while a chorus of hellos can be a bit disconcerting, even a bit of eye-contact and a smile can make a difference. But really, why be phony?  Anyone with half-a-brain can see through that corporate bullshit.

2. Do not make a singleton feel bad. Do not say, “Are you waiting for someone?” Ask for a reservation. Ask if he or she would like to sit at the bar.

I think it’s perfectly acceptable to ask if they will be expecting anyone else. This can usually be done as a precursor to clearing away any extra table-settings but I suppose if the restaurant was a bit more formal, you could ascertain this at the host stand and have the table ready for the guest before they are seated.

3. Never refuse to seat three guests because a fourth has not yet arrived.

I’ve never seen this happen but I don’t live in NYC.

4. If a table is not ready within a reasonable length of time, offer a free drink and/or amuse-bouche. The guests may be tired and hungry and thirsty, and they did everything right.

Sure.

5. Tables should be level without anyone asking. Fix it before guests are seated.

Ditto.

6. Do not lead the witness with, “Bottled water or just tap?” Both are fine. Remain neutral.

A lot of places require their servers to offer bottled water first. This is one instance where I will offer all three options (still, sparkling or tap) but I do think guests should be aware that this is often a sticking point with owners.

7. Do not announce your name. No jokes, no flirting, no cuteness.

Again, a lot of owners expect their staff to introduce themselves, whether they want to or not. I tend to play it by ear. Some guests seem like they might want to know my name, others don’t. Some like jokes and flirting too.

8. Do not interrupt a conversation. For any reason. Especially not to recite specials. Wait for the right moment.

It might be my upbringing but I hate interrupting people. Sometimes, you have no choice.

9. Do not recite the specials too fast or robotically or dramatically. It is not a soliloquy. This is not an audition.

Sometimes, guests won’t even want to hear about the damn specials. While not quite a request situation, I’d be more inclined to ask the guests if they want to hear about them.

10. Do not inject your personal favorites when explaining the specials.

Again, I’d play this one by ear. Some guests really like to be guided like that and others don’t give a shit. One thing I will not do is pretend everything is good. Some dishes are better than others and my tip’s usually bigger when I save a guess from making a shitty choice.

11. Do not hustle the lobsters. That is, do not say, “We only have two lobsters left.” Even if there are only two lobsters left.

I agree that it’s a bit fucking gauche.

12. Do not touch the rim of a water glass. Or any other glass.

Sure.

13. Handle wine glasses by their stems and silverware by the handles.

Ditto.

14. When you ask, “How’s everything?” or “How was the meal?” listen to the answer and fix whatever is not right.

Ideally, the guest should be able to bring anything that’s wrong to the attention of the server but many people won’t bring anything up. A good server is continually providing table maintenance and if they’re paying attention, there are plenty of options to ascertain whether everything’s alright.

15. Never say “I don’t know” to any question without following with, “I’ll find out.”

Absolutely.

16. If someone requests more sauce or gravy or cheese, bring a side dish of same. No pouring. Let them help themselves.

If they want to drown their steak in shitty gravy, that’s their prerogative.

17. Do not take an empty plate from one guest while others are still eating the same course. Wait, wait, wait.

I couldn’t agree with him more. Unless they ask me to remove it, those plates should stay on the table till everyone is done.

18. Know before approaching a table who has ordered what. Do not ask, “Who’s having the shrimp?”

Basic, basic, basic shit. Everyone knows you should never auction the food but the guests need to stay in their own fucking seats.

19. Offer guests butter and/or olive oil with their bread.

My restaurant requires us to only offer butter when it’s requested. Naturally, I flout this rule whenever possible. Some people like butter.

20. Never refuse to substitute one vegetable for another.

What kind of parents did you have? Eat your fucking veggies.

21. Never serve anything that looks creepy or runny or wrong.

Doesn’t this one fall under common sense?

22. If someone is unsure about a wine choice, help him. That might mean sending someone else to the table or offering a taste or two.

I’d go so far as to say that every server in the restaurant should be able to pair most of the dishes on the menu with the wines that are available. Hell, they should be able to sell wine to most guests off the top of their head without having to resort to handing them a list. Tastings should be offered unreservedly though.

23. If someone likes a wine, steam the label off the bottle and give it to the guest with the bill. It has the year, the vintner, the importer, etc.

If she’s cute and you have time, sure. Realistically, write that shit down and pass it on.

24. Never use the same glass for a second drink.

If you’re pouring at the table, this is not a problem.

25. Make sure the glasses are clean. Inspect them before placing them on the table.

This should be part of any checklist prior to opening for business. Same with cutlery.

26. Never assume people want their white wine in an ice bucket. Inquire.

I find the bucket to be kind of old-fashioned. Many whites shouldn’t be served ice-cold anyway. Some old folks really dig this but it’s strictly by request.

27. For red wine, ask if the guests want to pour their own or prefer the waiter to pour.

How am I going to sell them that next bottle if they take forever to finish the first one?

28. Do not put your hands all over the spout of a wine bottle while removing the cork.

Same as with a glass.

29. Do not pop a champagne cork. Remove it quietly, gracefully. The less noise the better.

Agreed.

30. Never let the wine bottle touch the glass into which you are pouring. No one wants to drink the dust or dirt from the bottle.

Who’s serving a dirty bottle of wine?

(Side note: By this point in the writing of this article, I’d begun drinking. Make of that what you will.)

31. Never remove a plate full of food without asking what went wrong. Obviously, something went wrong.

Maybe she’s an anorexic and I’m a big jerk for asking?

32. Never touch a customer. No excuses. Do not do it. Do not brush them, move them, wipe them or dust them.

Unless they want you to.

33. Do not bang into chairs or tables when passing by.

How about the restaurant puts together a floor plan that makes sense?

34. Do not have a personal conversation with another server within earshot of customers.

It’s way more fun to hang out on the line anyway.

35. Do not eat or drink in plain view of guests.

Maybe owners should start feeding their staff.

36. Never reek from perfume or cigarettes. People want to smell the food and beverage.

Valid unless the guests are smelling just as bad and they usually do.

37. Do not drink alcohol on the job, even if invited by the guests. “Not when I’m on duty” will suffice.

But how am I supposed to get through my shift with a smile? Alcohol makes me more fun!

38. Do not call a guy a “dude.”

Unless he deserves to be called a dude. But if Esquire thinks the word should be retired, I’m with them.

39. Do not call a woman “lady.”

A bit confrontational unless you do it right. I don’t say it often but when I do, it makes perfect sense.

40. Never say, “Good choice,” implying that other choices are bad.

But some choices clearly are! If you insist on ordering the risotto after I lavish praise on the choices of the other members of your party, you are an idiot and deserve everything you’ve got coming to you.

41. Saying, “No problem” is a problem. It has a tone of insincerity or sarcasm. “My pleasure” or “You’re welcome” will do.

I can make the latter two sound just as insincere if I want to.

42. Do not compliment a guest’s attire or hairdo or makeup. You are insulting someone else.

I prefer to think of it as giving them an opportunity to do better next time.

43. Never mention what your favorite dessert is. It’s irrelevant.

Oh you’re right, pardon me! I just currently work there, the latest in a long line of restaurants with a wide variety of cuisines and I obviously have no idea what I’m talking about. I have yet to meet one guest who doesn’t appreciate honesty from a server.

44. Do not discuss your own eating habits, be you vegan or lactose intolerant or diabetic.

I must admit that I don’t like talking about my eating habits, my dead grandmother or my sex life with guests (unless it could potentially involve them later that night).

45. Do not curse, no matter how young or hip the guests.

Some guests like it when I swear. I make them feel younger. Also, I make the hotel seem less stuffy when I swear in front of our younger guests.

46. Never acknowledge any one guest over and above any other. All guests are equal.

Whomever’s paying the bill is my best-friend-of-the-moment unless she’s worth a double-take and isn’t seeing the former.

47. Do not gossip about co-workers or guests within earshot of guests.

Again, the line is the best place to do this. The back-of-the-house staff will definitely want to get in on this.

48. Do not ask what someone is eating or drinking when they ask for more; remember or consult the order.

What piggy wants, piggy gets.

49. Never mention the tip, unless asked.

Foreigners are getting much better at realizing that North America doesn’t pay its wait-staff quite as much and we rely on tips for a living but I’m also happy to educate the odd hold-out.

50. Do not turn on the charm when it’s tip time. Be consistent throughout.

If you’re nice to me, I’ll be nice to you.

51. If there is a service charge, alert your guests when you present the bill. It’s not a secret or a trick.

The only way it could be a secret was if it was printed in invisible ink. If you can read, you’re going to notice there’s an auto-grat. If you’re a drunk little shit who doesn’t read the fine print, you just got what was coming to you.

52. Know your menu inside and out. If you serve Balsam Farm candy-striped beets, know something about Balsam Farm and candy-striped beets.

The chef better damn well let me taste it then.

53. Do not let guests double-order unintentionally; remind the guest who orders ratatouille that zucchini comes with the entree.

I’m their server, not their mum.

54. If there is a prix fixe, let guests know about it. Do not force anyone to ask for the “special” menu.

Most restaurants require their staff to let every table know about their specials. Me, I ask my tables if they’d like to to hear about them. I don’t want to waste our time reciting information they don’t want to hear about.

55. Do not serve an amuse-bouche without detailing the ingredients. Allergies are a serious matter; peanut oil can kill. (This would also be a good time to ask if anyone has any allergies.)

Anyone who really has allergies will volunteer the information and those who don’t deserve to be on the shortlist for the Darwin Awards.

56. Do not ignore a table because it is not your table. Stop, look, listen, lend a hand. (Whether tips are pooled or not.)

Unless I’m busy in which case my coworker should be doing a better job at handling their shit. While we’re on the subject, nothing is more annoying than a guest hailing down every staff-member in the joint to make the same request. If your server’s doing their job, they should be in the general vicinity and able to handle any requests you might have.

57. Bring the pepper mill with the appetizer. Do not make people wait or beg for a condiment.

Certain condiments (ketchup, sugar, etc.) should be ascertained before the dish is brought out but if you really don’t think the kitchen knows how to season a dish, you can ask for the fucking pepper at which point I’ll happily bring it to you.

58. Do not bring judgment with the ketchup. Or mustard. Or hot sauce. Or whatever condiment is requested.

Nah, I’ll just laugh about it with the guys on the line after I bring it to you.

59. Do not leave place settings that are not being used.

Fucking obvious standard of service. Any server who doesn’t bring extra settings before the dish is placed or neglects to clear used items after a course doesn’t know what they’re doing.

60. Bring all the appetizers at the same time, or do not bring the appetizers. Same with entrees and desserts.

Sometimes we fuck up. A simple explanation to the guest when the plate’s brought out will suffice.

61. Do not stand behind someone who is ordering. Make eye contact. Thank him or her.

I like to stand in one position at the head of the table and work my way around, ladies first.

62. Do not fill the water glass every two minutes, or after each sip. You’ll make people nervous.

The water glass should be refilled when there’s a third left.

62(a). Do not let a glass sit empty for too long.

I’ll do my best.

63. Never blame the chef or the busboy or the hostess or the weather for anything that goes wrong. Just make it right.

When I’ve only got two guys in the kitchen making food for me and my coworker plus the bar and a banquet or two, you can bet I’ll quickly explain to the table the reason for the delay in service.

64. Specials, spoken and printed, should always have prices.

If you have to ask, you shouldn’t be eating out.

65. Always remove used silverware and replace it with new.

See, the small fork, yeah that one, is meant to be used with your appetizer and then you work your way inwards. If you do your job right, you’re gonna have enough cutlery to last you the entire meal. Don’t worry about the spoon for your ice cream, I’ve got it covered.

66. Do not return to the guest anything that falls on the floor — be it napkin, spoon, menu or soy sauce.

Finders keepers. The above go in the garbage. The drugs and money are mine.

67. Never stack the plates on the table. They make a racket. Shhhhhh.

No server should be carrying more than three or four plates at a time. Two go on your arm, one gets stacked and the other carries the cutlery.

68. Do not reach across one guest to serve another.

I wouldn’t have to if the floor plan allowed me to reach everyone conveniently.

69. If a guest is having trouble making a decision, help out. If someone wants to know your life story, keep it short. If someone wants to meet the chef, make an effort.

But I thought my opinion was irrelevant? As for life stories, I like to look at it as I might if I was talking to some girl in a bar. Be brief but interesting and leave them wanting more.

70. Never deliver a hot plate without warning the guest. And never ask a guest to pass along that hot plate.

Common sense.

71. Do not race around the dining room as if there is a fire in the kitchen or a medical emergency. (Unless there is a fire in the kitchen or a medical emergency.)

I’m gonna walk as fast as I have to get shit done but I’m not gonna panic either.

72. Do not serve salad on a freezing cold plate; it usually advertises the fact that it has not been freshly prepared.

Where are these cold plates coming from? Most times, plates are too fucking hot or they’re wet.

73. Do not bring soup without a spoon. Few things are more frustrating than a bowl of hot soup with no spoon.

Like I said, every server should be setting up their tables before they bring out the plates.

74. Let the guests know the restaurant is out of something before the guests read the menu and order the missing dish.

When possible sure but guests are really good at skipping steps of service and a server needs to be able to think on their feet.

75. Do not ask if someone is finished when others are still eating that course.

Superfluous. The plates will be cleared when everyone’s done.

76. Do not ask if a guest is finished the very second the guest is finished. Let guests digest, savor, reflect.

What is this, some kind of Zen approach to dining? Am I supposed to remind them to chew thirty times as well? Fuck off.

77. Do not disappear.

Unless I need to take a shit, eat, flirt with that chick at the bar or tell a story to the host, you bet I’ll be right there.

78. Do not ask, “Are you still working on that?” Dining is not work — until questions like this are asked.

A simple “Have you had sufficient?” will suffice.

79. When someone orders a drink “straight up,” determine if he wants it “neat” — right out of the bottle — or chilled. Up is up, but “straight up” is debatable.

See, with vodka you’re either in the chilled camp or you like it room-temperature. This is a good point and I might actually start doing this.

80. Never insist that a guest settle up at the bar before sitting down; transfer the tab.

Sure.

81. Know what the bar has in stock before each meal.

That’s assuming the bartenders know what they’re doing.

82. If you drip or spill something, clean it up, replace it, offer to pay for whatever damage you may have caused. Refrain from touching the wet spots on the guest.

Sometimes, I love working at a hotel where I’m not liable for pretty much everything. For the rest of you, a straight-up boss should cover any damages incurred by their staff.

83. Ask if your guest wants his coffee with dessert or after. Same with an after-dinner drink.

Fair enough.

84. Do not refill a coffee cup compulsively. Ask if the guest desires a refill.

Ditto.

84(a). Do not let an empty coffee cup sit too long before asking if a refill is desired.

I’m trying to be patient but Buschel comes across as quite the anal twit, doesn’t he?

85. Never bring a check until someone asks for it. Then give it to the person who asked for it.

Some restaurants mandate check placement which sucks for their staff. I know when my table wants their check; I get a kick out of having it right ready for them and the guests like it too.

86. If a few people signal for the check, find a neutral place on the table to leave it.

The center of the table’s a terrific place to drop it. I let them fight it out. If someone’s actually eager enough to seek me out, I always give them the opportunity to pay and it’s usually worth my while.

87. Do not stop your excellent service after the check is presented or paid.

A little extra water or coffee never hurt if you can spare the time.

88. Do not ask if a guest needs change. Just bring the change.

I like to add “I’ll bring you your change right away.” Three-quarters of the time they wave me away and this saves me time.

89. Never patronize a guest who has a complaint or suggestion; listen, take it seriously, address it.

If your complaint is bullshit in which I will let you say your peace, apologize and then go have a laugh with the guys on the line about it.

90. If someone is getting agitated or effusive on a cellphone, politely suggest he keep it down or move away from other guests.

Like hell. Unless they’re screaming into the phone, I’m going to leave them be.

91. If someone complains about the music, do something about it, without upsetting the ambiance. (The music is not for the staff — it’s for the customers.)

If the staff got to pick the music, the guests would probably be a whole lot happier. Why does every owner think that soft jazz is the perfect accompaniment to dinner? I wish more guests would complain about the music; the management might actually stop playing Top 40.

92. Never play a radio station with commercials or news or talking of any kind.

If a restaurant can’t afford an iPod, they shouldn’t be open.

93. Do not play brass — no brassy Broadway songs, brass bands, marching bands, or big bands that feature brass, except a muted flugelhorn.

Fuck right off.

94. Do not play an entire CD of any artist. If someone doesn’t like Frightened Rabbit or Michael Bublé, you have just ruined a meal.

Discretion’s always key but sometimes one artist can build and elevate the vibe. I like Motörhead but I don’t play Ace of Spades. Conversely, Tom Waits’ Closing Time is always a good idea.

95. Never hover long enough to make people feel they are being watched or hurried, especially when they are figuring out the tip or signing for the check.

Give ‘em space.

96. Do not say anything after a tip — be it good, bad, indifferent — except, “Thank you very much.”

What can you say really? Move on to the next bunch.

97. If a guest goes gaga over a particular dish, get the recipe for him or her.

Only if they ask for it.

98. Do not wear too much makeup or jewelry. You know you have too much jewelry when it jingles and/or draws comments.

I like heavy eyeliner on women. They can put on as much as they like. Jewelry’s annoying though.

99. Do not show frustration. Your only mission is to serve. Be patient. It is not easy.

I EXIST ONLY TO SERVE.

100. Guests, like servers, come in all packages. Show a “good table” your appreciation with a free glass of port, a plate of biscotti or something else management approves.

Why involve management in this one-on-one interaction? They’ve got their bottom-line to think about.

Bonus Track: As Bill Gates has said, “Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.” (Of course, Microsoft is one of the most litigious companies in history, so one can take Mr. Gates’s counsel with a grain of salt. Gray sea salt is a nice addition to any table.)

He would know wouldn’t he? The guest is not always right but we, the industry, generally have to be the kind of pussies who let them think they are. It’s not like the satisfied ones are any more right (“That’s the best steak I’ve ever had!”); but they’re not quite as annoying.

And that’s the list. Whether Buschel means well or not, he comes across like an elitist dick who wants to open a restaurant to correct all of the perceived injustices servers past and present have inflicted upon him. Like so many folks who’ve wanted to own a restaurant, he goes too far and comes across as the kind of classist motherfucker who views his staff as mere stepping-stones to help him achieve his “vision” instead of helping them to be the professionals they should be.

Obviously, a lot of other people have had their say about the list and I’d like to include their take here. Over at Waiter Rant, Steve Dublanica also goes through the entire list in two parts and while he’s funny, he also has plenty of good points. I’m Your Server, Not Your Servant’s Patrick Macguire turns it on its head and offers 64 things he thinks customers should not do. Laura Reiley of tampabay.com also lays it on the customer.

Even though I just had my say, I’m not done yet. I’m going to be putting together my own list. There’s no saying how big it will be but we all know that putting the heat on guests and staff is not where it’s at. Let’s lay the blame where it really belongs; with the fucking owners and the fools they hire to manage their staff.

—

(Photo taken from zorger.com.)

Then you see it. It’s got a really funny, clever name and an aesthetically-pleasing label. Robert Parker’s given it a 92 and an anonymous LCBO staff-member has weighed in with his two cents, praising it for its taste and price-range. Everything about this wine screams you; the image you have of yourself and what you and your friends would be drinking as they all compliment you on your uncanny ability to find the perfect wine for any given situation.

And so you buy it. You take it home, open it up and after taking an appreciative sniff, pour yourself a glass. My god, you think to yourself, I’ve done it again. This tastes really good. You may even be right but you’re probably not conscious of how everything you went through leading up this point may have influenced your perception of the wine’s flavor profile.

A study by Michael Siegrist, a professor at the Institute for Environmental Decisions, and his post-doc, Marie-Eve Cousin from ETH Zurich, put forward a hypothesis that people are influenced by information they receive about a wine before they taste it and this affects their sensory experience of said wine.

“The analysis of the test results revealed that the test people who had been given the ratings with 92 or 72 points before the tasting rated the wine differently to those who weren’t given the Parker rating until afterwards. In the first two groups, the test people who had been given negative information rated the wine considerably worse than those who proceeded on the assumption that the wine was good. Those who knew beforehand that the wine had been given 92 Parker Points also found the wine better than those who only discovered the rating after they had tried the wine.

The information not only influences the sense of taste, but also how deep we are prepared to dig into our wallets: again, the test people with negative advance information were prepared to pay the least.”

Of course we respect those we perceive to be experts, particularly when we feel we might be out of our depth as so many people do with wine. I’d like to extend this to include labels. Indeed, another study by Cornell University found that people given the same wine alternatively packaged as both from California and North Dakota rated the California label as being of higher quality and enjoyed it better on the whole.

While both studies have their flaws, I believe they reveal an essential truth: people often buy their wine on a hunch and they like to have cursory bits of information that back up their choice, whether it’s a nice label, a recommendation or established point of origin.

For myself, the first thing that catches my eye is the label. If I like it, I’ll probably pick up the bottle and see what varietal it is, what year it was produced and where it came from. Mentally, I’ll attempt to cross-reference this with my memories of other wines consumed in the past that may overlap but more often than not, I’ll look at the price tag and take a chance. More often than not, I don’t end up hating the wine. Sometimes, if I’m really lucky, I really love it and that’s the bottle I’ll come back for.

Do you find yourself falling in love with labels like I do or do you really do your homework?

—

(Photo taken from smcgee’s Flickr Photostream.)

Apparently, it’s the number four product sold at everyone’s favorite provincial monopoly (right behind Heineken, Corona and Smirnoff vodka) What’s interesting to me is how a wine from Argentina, with no advertising and plenty of approving worth-of-mouth, has bumped Bacardi from the fourth spot to play the field with those perpetually-popular big boys of booze.

Corona spent a total of $30 million on print advertising alone last year. Heineken spent $50 million launching Heineken Premium Light (a fuckin’ light beer of all things…). I would imagine Smirnoff spends less (being a Canadian company and not having quite the global dominance of the first two brands) but it probably throws way more money into its advertising than Zuccardi does.

What then, can account for the love people have for Fuzion, the little wine that could? Beppi (I don’t know him but it’s kind of fun to call him that, try it) noted that some folks accused him of fanning the flames of its popularity with his approval of the affordable red that delivers a big taste for its price.

While Mr. Crosariol may have fueled the fire roaring under Fuzion, he didn’t spark it. Toronto Life, NOW Magazine, the National Post and the Toronto Star all reported on the phenomenon but to truly understand what’s going on here, we should look to Malcolm Gladwell and his classifaction of the stages of societal adoption of new ideas/products/etc. known as the diffusion model.

You have the Innovators, the visionaries who prize revolutionary change and will take risks to try out whatever’s new and interesting. The Early Adopters come next. They watch the innovators, evaluate what they do and join in.

Because of the Internet and greater saturation of writing on wine, approval of Fuzion was able to quickly spread in tandem with more personal methods of recommendation. These early adopters congregate on forums like Chowhound and the innovators, those who pay attention to these forums, in turn write and talk about this information through their own channels which is then filtered into the consciousness of the majority. This is where Beppi and Co come in.

They’re followed by the Early and Late Majorities; those people who while they may not have their finger on what cool kids are doing pay attention to the media and other critics.  With this media attention, you can bet the Laggards, those of us who value tradition and the tried-tested-and-true, will finally start paying attention and the next six months will either see them adopt it as a red wine standard (a la Yellowtail) or pass on it as a fad.

There are a couple of factors that will definitely affect whether this adoption takes place. While the change from the 2007 varietal to the 2008 went unnoticed by many, a sharp dip in quality could leave a bad flavor in some people’s mouths and result in a drop in sales.

Also, raising the price could lead to Fuzion competing with a higher quality of wine, at least in some people’s eyes and also result in a drop in its popularity. A similar thing (albeit on a much smaller scale) happened with Les Jamelles, a winery from France. Beloved by merchants and restaurateurs alike, it quickly became must-have by-the-glass option for those looking for that magical Old World median between price and quality. However, increased demand led to a lack of availabilty and was quickly followed by a rise in price. While it still has a good reputation (it’s merlot and sauvignon blanc are both very fine) it’s been replaced by The Next Thing on many a wine list.

Mind you, Les Jamelle’s merlot was never available at the LCBO and they never had to deal with fickle consumers. A change in cost could drastically affect Fuzion’s market share, particularly because one of the wine’s chief selling points is its $7.45 ticket price. While adding a couple of dollars may not seem like a big deal, a shopper at the LCBO may pass on a more expensive Fuzion, particularly if they remember reading about how it used to cost less or worse, they remember buying it for less. On overcrowded wine shelves with the LCBO carefully tracking its process, a severe enough dip in sales could mark Fuzion for eventual delisting.

Another good example is Bohemian, secretly brewed by Molson. The go-to beer for those of us looking to throw cheap parties, art gallery-openings and what-have-you, it was sold for an unbelievable $26 a case! Not only that but it tasted better than all of the other discount brands out there.  There were plenty of times I’d go to The Beer Store looking to get a couple of cases only to find that they were sold out.

When the price was raised to $28, suddenly Bohemian became way less appealing. It began to compete with beers that were, quite frankly, much better and while I don’t have any hard numbers to back me up, I don’t see Bohemian at many parties I go to and I bet you anything they don’t sell half as much as they used to.

The appeal of Fuzion goes beyond its attractive price point and has quite a bit to do with society’s perceived learning curve when it comes to appreciating wine. Many people simply don’t know what wine they should by. Its taken forever to get beyond simple denotations of “red” and “white” and now we find folks talking about “liking chardonnays” or “hating pinot”.

These people are intimidated by wine. They don’t have a McDonald’s equivalent of beer (say Heineken) from which to base their expectations on. Imagine someone coming along and saying there’s a terrific, cheap wine out there that works pretty well with lots of different food and can be consumed rather casually? I would hazard a guess that that would be quite a relief for your average joe staring at twenty-odd bottles in front of him.

Also, there’s the self-fulfilling pride “the expert” can take in recommending a sure thing plucked from the depths of relative obscurity. This person becomes, at least temporarily, cool. They know about what’s going on, even if its tangential knowledge, and unlike beer or liquor, having a working knowledge of wine is something that’s generally considered to be an admirable skill.

Even those of who know some things still can appreciate a good recommendation. I was introduced to Fuzion through my neighbor Jacqueline Rendell, who brought over a bottle one day. She in turn had been given a few bottles from a friend of hers who really liked them. I ended up buying half-a-dozen bottles of my own over the winter and I mentioned Fuzion in my post about the best, cheap booze in Ontario. Several people who read this blog have subsequently told me that they now stock their home with Fuzion on a regular basis and we only have to go back to Beppi to see that this is a personal example of what’s happening all over Ontario and Quebec.

As knowledge of Fuzion reaches its “tipping point”, this will have less of an impact but for now, Fuzion’s cool image will undoubtedly benefit from the advice of whomever we turn to for wine info and its price will only sweeten the deal.

Click here to view the embedded video.

This is apparently a big deal although I fail to see why as long as they’re not misleading and they don’t market it to minors. Facebook tends to skew to an older crowd anyway although I’d wager it’s a pretty tight demographic (18-25?) that’s likely to install any applications offered by the likes of Anheuser-Busch or Bacardi.

Apparently, most of these apps offer allow users to win contests that get them into sponsored parties. I wouldn’t know because the Bacardi Mojito Party was unavailable to me (likely due to it being restricted to American users) and Miller’s Today I’m Toasting was under construction. In fact, none of the applications that have been developed were available which leads me to wonder if they’re specifically targeted at an American and not Canadian audience because we get to legally drink two years before they do?

The only application I’ve seen anyone use is Booze Mail, a particularly stupid bit of code that allows you to send drinks to your friend’s walls which is just as retarded as those gifts that get exchanged. Two apps I find much more appealing are Bottlenotes and RateBeer, both of which allow like-minded users to rate and talk about wine and beer they like (or dislike), respectively.

This doesn’t really help us Canadians, with our limited options for purchasing alcohol, and I’d be surprised the LCBO hasn’t jumped on this marketing opportunity except that I’d bet anything that they’re a) too cheap and b) far too old-fashioned. It’s too bad because an app that tracks new product releases with links built into their website allowing people to find what stores carry them and then contact those stores seems like a natural to me… Or maybe not but I don’t think I’m the only one who finds the LCBO website irritating.

But moving on, what about television? We’ve all seen our fair share of beer ads, ranging from stupid to offensive, but how is this regulated in Canada? The Canadian Radio-Television and Telecommunications Commission (CRTC) has a code that specifically deals with what can be broadcast and what cannot. Here are some highlights.

“Commercial messages for alcoholic beverages shall not:

(a) attempt to influence non-drinkers of any age to drink or to purchase alcoholic beverages;

(b) be directed at persons under the legal drinking age, associate any such product with youth or youth symbols, or portray persons under the legal drinking age or persons who could reasonably be mistaken for such persons in a context where any such product is being shown or promoted;

(e) attempt to establish the product as a status symbol, a necessity for the enjoyment of life or an escape from life’s problems, or attempt to establish that consumption of the product should take precedence over other activities;

(f) imply directly or indirectly that social acceptance, social status, personal success, or business or athletic achievement may be acquired, enhanced or reinforced through consumption of the product;

(g) imply directly or indirectly that the presence or consumption of alcohol is, in any way, essential to the enjoyment of an activity or an event;

(k) use imperative language to urge people to purchase or consume the product;

(n) contain inducements to prefer an alcoholic beverage because of its higher alcohol content;

(o) refer to the feeling and effect caused by alcohol consumption or show or convey the impression, by behaviour or comportment, that the people depicted in the message are under the influence of alcohol;

(q) contain scenes in which any such product is consumed, or that give the impression, visually or in sound, that it is being or has been consumed.”

Now, far be it from me to be a negative fuckin’ nancy but don’t they regularly break (e), (f), (g) and (q)? Doesn’t the Molson ad I just linked to fit the bill? How about this one? There are good ads out there.  Arrogant Bastard Ale released this campaign that pretty much made fun of mainstream beer drinkers and companies they support that release “outrageously conniving, intentionally misleading, blatantly masturbatory and fallacious ad campaigns.”

I don’t know about you but I’ll take that their brand of arrogance over what the other guys are offering any day; even if it treads dangerously into that extreme, stressed graphic style I find distasteful. At least it has some credibility.

We’re way past the days when Anheuser-Busch et al. could lay any claim to putting out a “premium product” and in a way, their advertising is a perfect example of that. They can’t really claim to have the best-tasting beer but they sure as hell can sex it up.

So what’s my point with all of this? I guess I’m saying that I’m in favor of allowing spirits advertisers back into mainstream media and I’d argue that having those ads play during prime time television and be printed in newspapers isn’t going to raise a nation of underage binge-drinkers.

No, we have the stupid neo-prohibitionistic notion that children must be protected at all costs from the dangers of alcohol to thank for that. These ads will bring in important revenue and if the product is good, I see no harm in it. However, I have one proviso and it’s a biggie.

The ads should deal directly with the quality of the product. They should make you want to drink it because, goddammit, it’s the best product of its kind and you’d be a fool not to. The ads can be funny, serious or clever as long as they’re honest. Maybe I’m asking too much but I don’t think so. I’d like to see both advertising and it’s retarded cousin, Facebook apps, up their  game and start treating consumers with a little respect.

They can be the cooler, older brother if they want to.

Basically, it would indicate “typical serving size, number of servings per container, calories, carbohydrates, protein and fat”. It would also be divided into two sections, ingredients and alcohol facts.

Even though this is an initiative proposed by the TTB of the USA and doesn’t effect Canada (at least initially), I’m generally in favor of more information being released to consumers to help them make decisions about the products they want to purchase.

First and foremost, the “alcohol by volume” percentage which is already printed on the label is supplemented by a box informing you of the “fl oz of alcohol” per serving. Despite some comments declaring that this might be mathematically confusing for consumers, I think it’s a fairly important piece of information to be including on the product, especially when you think about how most people don’t know how much alcohol is in individual servings of whatever they’re consuming and this can vary from product to product.

Sure, there will be lots of people who won’t give a damn but a conscientious person who wants to monitor their intake because they have to drive will be able to measure that a whole lot better or refuse a drink that would put them over the legal limit.

The other boxes don’t really matter so much although I suppose some people monitor their calorie intake closely enough that a drink will make some difference and it could be argued that people don’t pay enough attention to the empty calories they consume through drinks, both alcoholic and non-alcoholic. The one exclusion that really catches my attention is the lack of any information concerning the amount of sugar in a product.

Surely this is a rather large oversight; sweeter drinks are often cheaper, mask the taste of alcohol and include more nasty congeners, the by-products of fermentation which are toxic and, along with dehydration, are largely responsible for hangovers. (On an unrelated note, I was surprised to find that bourbon drinkers like me are especially at risk; our favorite tipple contains thirty times as many congeners as vodka.)

Criticism of the proposed regulation has come from at least two different groups; another post on bevlog that featured Bluemont Vinery’s opposition from the viewpoint of a small business and a PDF posted on a government site by Wine America, a national association of wineries. Both of them are opposed because they claim adhering to these standards would result in untenable costs to smaller producers and lead to general consumer confusion due to excess labelling. They go on to state that because there is little variation in alcohol content and carbohydrates of most wines, there is no point in releasing this information and since most people already know how much they can generally handle, telling them how much pure alcohol is in a serving would also be unhelpful.

I call bullshit. I’m generally in favor of labeling for most food and drink. Most people now appreciate being able to determine the nutritional content of products they purchase at the grocery store and I would imagine they would feel the same about alcohol. Hell, I’d go further and add regulate the spread of GMOs as well as the food we’re served in restaurants but that’s another issue. As for the cost, I don’t see why it couldn’t be passed on in part to the consumers if this is something that people are truly interested in.

I’m well aware that regulations often favor the big guys like Diageo who have the money to spend on laboratory testing and label redesigns but I don’t see why both the American and Canadian (when the time comes) governments couldn’t subsidize the little guys with grants and tax breaks.

Bevlog also linked to a video of former US Surgeon General C. Everett Koop talking about why adding this information to labels is important and although it’s rather dry, I agree with them; this video deserves some attention as well.

Madison Beer Review put together a great post talking about this issue and they presented several things I didn’t know at the time of writing this: one of the biggies is that the Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI), the group who originally petitioned the TTB to change these regulations has been accused of having a “neo-prohibitionist” stance by many “beer supporters” and is of the opinion that alcohol is ruining America. I don’t doubt that their voice would be moderated by the presence of health organizations and industry lobbyists but it’s still something to consider.

However, both sides have some explaining to do. It’s also pointed out that while the Beer Institute “objects to publishing alcohol content” because said content “in most beers is in a very narrow range” this is hardly true when one considers the beer “can range from less than 4% ABV (alcohol by volume) to over 20% ABV”. As we move away from the the narrower definitions of beer that its members (who include Anheuser-Busch InBev, MillerCoors and Heineken) generally espouse, it makes sense to include this information on the label without it hurting the same folks whose products warrant its inclusion.

Also, as Madison Beer Review notes, it’s hardly realistic to reduce serving portions proportionally in terms of the ABV-2 oz for a 20% ABV brew is just silly-it would make sense to consider how beers with a higher ABV are meant to be shared and incorporate that information onto the label somehow.

In the end, I agree with them. Full disclosure of ingredients would be a nice step and would also tie in nicely with the trend to more natural, healthy products. After all, I’d take a St. Peter’s Organic English Ale over a Smirnoff Ice cooler any day.